2 Things Homeschool Parents Need to Stop Saying

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I’m probably about to step on some toes. I’m going to make some people mad. I really don’t like doing that, but it’s something that needs to be said. Y’all, there are 2 things homeschool parents need to stop saying.

There are lots of things we homeschool families get tired of hearing. I’ve had some fun with them over the years with articles like 7 Things You Should Never Say to a Homeschool Mom and 10 Lies People Believe About Homeschooling Families.

But did you ever think about the things that public school parents get tired of hearing from us?

Yeah, I’m going there. Because, y’all, it’s a two-way street, and we’re not innocent. If we want to quit hearing obnoxious, judgmental comments, maybe we need to offer the olive branch of peace by not making obnoxious, judgmental comments ourselves.

2 Things Homeschool Parents Need to Stop Saying

1. That’s why we homeschool.

This one makes me cringe because I hear it at the worst possible times.

After a school shooting is not the time to utter those words.

When a 15-year-old girl gets raped by her bus driver or another student is not the time to utter those words. True story.

You may be glad that you homeschool because your kids are home where they don’t have to worry about school shootings and bus or bathroom rapes, but, honestly, stuff happens everywhere.

I’m guessing that the person who commented on the rape never actually thought, “I’m going to homeschool so that one day my 15-year-old daughter doesn’t get raped on the bus or at school.”

Even if she did think those very words, that is not what the parent of the girl who got raped wants or needs to hear.

Yes, many homeschool families did decide to homeschool, at least in part, with safety concerns in mind. But when something horrible happens, that’s the time to say, “I’m praying for you,” or “I’m grieving with you.” It is not the time to say, “That’s why we homeschool.”

When something tragic happens to kids, it should make us hug our kids a little tighter and grieve for the parents who can’t. We’re all trying to do the best we can for our kids.

And, yeah, it’s okay to say that gently when you’re offering a solution that a parent may not have even considered. But wait. Say it with grace and love. Leave the I-told-you-so tone for another situation.

2. You’re failing your kids by sending them to school.

It’s great to be passionate about homeschooling. However, if we don’t want random strangers telling us we’re ruining our kids by homeschooling them, we can’t be telling random strangers that they’re ruining their kids by sending them to public school.

You may think it – but, guess what. The person who says that stuff to you thinks it, too, and you don’t like hearing it from them.

A while back, I saw an article shared on Facebook about how the public schools are not meeting the needs of a particular group of kids. Someone commented something to the effect that the author was failing her kids by continuing to send them to public school. I wondered if the commenter would think differently if she knew – as I happened to – that the author was a former homeschooling parent who had to send her kids to public school following a divorce.

When someone vocally disagrees with our decision to homeschool, we tell them things such as:

  • Homeschooling is a personal decision.
  • We know our kids better than anyone.
  • This is a decision that we have carefully made for our family; it’s not up for debate.

If we expect people to respect our right to make our own decisions about our kids, we have to respect theirs, too. To do that, I think it’s important to remember these 2 things homeschool parents need to stop saying and to…well…stop saying them. 

You don’t know what went into a parent’s decision to send her kids to public school. Maybe it was just because that’s what most people do when their kids turn 5. Perhaps that parent doesn’t feel up to the task of homeschooling. Maybe she desperately wants to homeschool, but her husband isn’t on board.

I have a friend who homeschooled her daughter up until high school. At that point, she and her husband and daughter made the prayerful and carefully-considered decision to send the daughter to public school so she could work toward a softball scholarship. (She was successful.) Thankfully, there are more and more opportunities nowadays for homeschoolers to participate in sports, but in some cases, that opportunity isn’t available.

I have another friend who successfully graduated two kids from her homeschool and then made the decision – along with her child – for the youngest to enter public school after several years of homeschooling.

Another friend’s kids returned to public school following a divorce.

Several passionate homeschooling families I know have kids who chose to attend public school for middle school or high school.

I don’t think any of them love their kids any less than I love mine. I don’t think they are failing their kids any more than I think I am failing mine. They are parents who love their kids. They’re making the best decisions they can for and with them – just like I am.

Parents, we need to build each other up, rather than tear each other down. Let’s not complain about people not respecting our decisions for our families if we aren’t offering the same courtesy.

I love this article from Heather Sanders at The Pioneer Woman, Homeschooling Is a Method, not a Mandate. We’ve got to stop making careless comments and snap judgments.

There are some terrible, abusive parents out there. But guess what. The litmus test for parental abuse is not a schooling choice. That’s true no matter which side of the public school/private school/homeschool debate you land on. And, while we’re at it, let’s stop tearing down our fellow homeschool parents, too.

We’re all doing the best we can to raise our kids to be happy, healthy, well-adjusted, well-educated adults. Let’s respect that and each other.

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This article was written by Kris, the former owner of Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers.
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This article was written by a Weird, Unsocialized Homeschoolers guest author. See the author's full bio in the body of the post.

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38 Comments

  1. In the age of “Com boxes”, texting, email and other anonymous methods of communicating, many people feel entitled to ‘share’ their opinion unedited 24-7 on every topic. It is as if stream of conscientiousness thinking turns into speaking in the very same way. My father call this Diarrhea of the mouth. Uncensored, unsolicited speaking of one’s opinion. When asked, speak. Speak the truth and be sensitive. It is good manners and common courtesy not to over-tax one’s audience especially if they are suffering. That said, be a wise listener. Be a grown up and develop a thicker skin. As a home school parent, I receive all sorts of spoken, reckless judgments about our education and socialization options. I realize that most of them haven’t a clue as to what they are speaking of and ultimately we are each responsible for our own kids. I try to politely mind my own business and squelch my own pride as much as possible. And believe me, to home school through high school, you better have the chops for it, because will tell you constantly what they think and keep asking why i “still” home school. I can understand why people have quick “quips” back. I get tired of them as much as you are motivated to remind us to hold back in making our own retorts. Its a two way street.

    1. Yes, we do live in an age where everyone seems to think they have the right to share their unfiltered opinions anywhere and everywhere about everything. The little quips and retorts are often funny to think about (and maybe very tempting to actually say when someone is being rude), but I do think it’s important to remember that it is a two-way street and think about what we’re saying, as well.

  2. Loved this post, Kris. Very balanced. There really isn’t a PERFECT choice, only what works for you and your family. We need to respect other’s choices and leave the judgement out.

  3. Thank you for this reminder. I know I’m guilty of #1 and now I’ll remember what to say instead.

  4. Great post! I agree 100%! Homeschoolers get enough criticism, we don’t need to add fuel to the fire by alienating non-homeschoolers by coming off as insensitive, judgmental and arrogant. Even if we aren’t insensitive, judgmental and arrogant, those statements you listed certainly can come off that way.

  5. Thanks for sharing the link to my post!

    This winter I shared in a post that I called the public elementary school to inquire about the resources available for my daughter. I needed to hear from someone that there wasn’t anything truly available for her (gifted/2e) that was better than what I could do at home. I already knew it, but needed to hear it from the principal’s mouth. I don’t know why. I just did.

    When that post was shared on a prominent Christian homeschooling FB page, it was quite eye-opening. Yeesh. You would have thought that I had said I was considering selling her off to the spawn of Satan or something.

    I’ve come to the conclusion lately that there are a lot of angry, fearful hurting people out there and they lash out whenever they have the opportunity.

    1. Okay, that “spawn of Satan” comment made me laugh. It shouldn’t have, probably, but it did – because I can only imagine how it truly did feel that way to you.

    2. Made me laugh as well. Excellent article. My wife and I have come “full circle” as I call it. Get so frustrated when public school is mentioned you hear the hiss of disapproval. I wanted to stand up at the recent convention here and say”It;s ok to use K-12, or even send your kids public school!” Figured I’d get thrown out. It is a choice, not a mandate, and life happens and we have to makes tough choices for the season we are in.
      Good stuff.

      1. Agreed. I am not a fan either, but I see so much striving amongst the homeschool world, and the at-all-cost attitude of some at ‘staying the course’ regardless of cost to family and relationship. I did have one dad introduce me to his wife a a homeschooler that says if they decide to send their kids to school, they wont go to hell! 🙂

  6. Yes! Thanks for putting my feelings into words. I’ve seen so much of this lately in social media. The fact is, we are a family one step away from public school. It would only take one thing to cause us to send our kids back to school, an unexpected illness, loss of my income, etc. Love would have nothing to do with our decision, it would simply be circumstances.

  7. Well said. Maybe it’s because I’m a retiring non-confrontational sort, but I can’t believe some people say the things they do. In terms of homeschooling my approach is always – we’ve made what we think is the best decision for our kids and I know most other parents have made what they think is the best decision for theirs. In all likelihood all the kids will turn out fine, and there will be some pros and cons to whatever decisíon was made.

  8. Yikes!! Toes stepped all over! But, I will say, as a second generation homeschooler (I was 7th-12th and my siblings all the way), that you make excellent points.

    We live in a relatively small, southern community. When we changed churches, my oldest was in 1st grade. Many of the neighborhood elementary school teachers attend the same church. They very much disagree with homeschool. I caved when he was in 3rd grade and sent him to ps. I pulled him out a year later. I have so many regrets as a parent, but that time is one of my biggest. I knew in my heart public school was not in our best interest. And for us, it isn’t.

    I hate the criticism I get from friends, family, and acquaintances about homeschool. I know I am so guilty of saying “that’s why….” And for looking down on others for not doing things the same way we do. (Let’s face it, I really think I am right all the time!). But that attitude is a sin of pride, and one you just reminded me of with this article.

    Thank you for your courage to speak your heart. I know I will try to guard my thoughts, words, and judgements from now on! My ultimate goal is to glorify Christ in all. I certainly need to do better.

    My oldest is now in 8th grade and we are planning on graduating him from homeschool. And my other 2 are in 5th and 2nd. It’s a long journey, but one I am enjoying!

    1. Absolutely So much of life requires putting others first. Unfortunately when it comes to opinions we all want to be heard first! (And I really hope that comment about always being right came across with the dripping sarcasm that I intended!)

  9. Thanks so much for being bold enough to say these two things…out loud!

    We previously homeschooled our two teens (then tweens) for a bit and it honestly was the worst thing for them (& our relationship) because they did not like it at all. I made so many ‘newbie’ mistakes that I’m still learning from & they were going through puberty, and we had just moved…and I was pregnant. Talk about a cocktail for things to not go well!

    So we have since sent them back to school and they are thriving! They love it. We have chats almost daily about how things are going. We argue way less and I feel that it was the best thing for us to do for our relationship.

    We still homeschool two of our younger ones, and have two littles at home, and it works for our family in this season.

    I totally am humbled by having had to go through this, but I am no longer riding on anyone’s band wagon, other than be involved with your kids, pray for them, do what you need to do so they can thrive 🙂

    Rachael @ Diamonds in the Rough

  10. YES! There is so much negativity these days and people judging others on everything instead of realising we are all different and therefore have different situations, views, feeling and needs in life. We all expect to be respected and have our choices respected but forget to pay that same respect to others. Very well said and good on you for putting it out there!

  11. We did not begin homeschooling until my children were in 6th and 9th grade. Why? It was a two year journey of prayer and research and we decided homeschooling was the best educational opportunity for our children at the time. Therefore when people ask why we homeschool, I simply tell them it is our educational choice for our children. The homeschool vs. public school debate and bashing reminds me of the working mom vs. stay at home mom debate and bashing.
    Our family is currently walking the difficult path of divorce. So now I find myself a divorced, full time working, homeschooling mom. My plan is to continue homeschooling, but should circumstances change I sincerely hope all of my friends would support me, not bash me, for doing the highest right thing for my children at that time.
    Excellent post, food for thought, thank you.

  12. I confess that we use the “and THAT is why we homeschool” a LOT – okay, my husband more than me because he was a public school teacher for many years.

    But we say it when parents are telling us about the three hours of homework they had to do – or telling us about how the kids have spent the last two weeks prepping for a test instead of doing work – or how the school has cut another creative program.

    I try to put it in context when I say it (or catch my husband saying it). I had a girlfriend that was doing three hours of homework with her kids. She was talking to a home school mom one day and found out that the home school kids were doing three hours of work each day. She said if I am going to be doing three hours anyway then why not give it a try.

    I will be more aware of those types of comments from now on. Thanks for helping me see. 🙂

  13. First of all, as a public school mom, thank you for this. I get tired of hearing things that imply (or say outright) that because I send my kids to public school I obviously have no involvement in their education. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth.
    The one thing I want to point out, though– all of your reasons people might be sending their kids to public school seem to revolve around “Well we’d like to homeschool, but…” Some of us honestly prefer public education. Some of us would rather get involved in our local schools and improve them rather than pull our kids out. We know it’s flawed, but we know that we’d be flawed as homeschoolers too and we prefer the flaws of public education. We also prefer the advantages of public education. We feel more able to compensate for the disadvantages of public education than to make up for the disadvantages of homeschooling– because BOTH do have advantages AND disadvantages.
    At the end of the day, I believe in public education. It’s the best fit for our family. I know it’s not the best fit for everyone, but it is for us. And I’m glad we all have the options and the resources for what is best for our families.

  14. On #1 – that one is a biggie. I mean, if school violence IS why you homeschool, then that’s fine, but after someone has experienced a tragedy is NOT the time to basically say “I told you so”. As if public schooling itself causes the deaths of children.

    And if one considers themselves to be an enlightened homeschooler, then by all means, please demonstrate some civility and grace.

    On #2 – if a person knows so much about someone’s life choices by simply reading a sentence or two on Facebook, then they should hang a shingle and get an 800 number, because the world desperately needs another Psychic Friends Network.

  15. Yes, yes, and HECK yes! I really feel the walls between me and my public school friends. And guess what? They weren’t all built by them. I believe that no Christian child belongs in state-run education, but I also can recognize that something could happen tomorrow that might force my kids into somewhere they don’t belong.

  16. Thank you so much for this post. I really appreciate it. We have a son with a variety of special needs who has been particularly challenging to find a good school fit for. We have gone through cyber school, public school, and have decided to homeschool him. We have actually loved his experience with the public school system and his teachers and the resources that were available to him, although the bureaucracy was very frustrating at times. I loved having a whole team of support for him. Although he will be homeschooled next year with the Sonlight curriculum now that he has gained a bit more independence (greatly due to the therapies he received at public school.) His sister will continue to go to public school, where she is thriving. I really think every child is different.

    I was so taken aback when we were cyber schooling and I joined some local homeschool groups to try to connect with other moms and families in our area. I thought we could plan outings and share resources. I was met with such contempt and judgement that our family left the groups. They said things like, “I really don’t appreciate you allowing my tax dollars to pay for your books, that’s so disrespectful.” and were just unbelievably rude and judgmental. I wanted to respond that the last time I checked I also paid my school taxes and that they had the same choice that I did to take advantage of the free curriculum from the cyber school if they wanted to. We were all trying to teach our kids at home in the most appropriate way for our own families. They kept saying things like that that they would never send their children to public school because they wanted to keep their children away from “those” people and their agenda, but honestly my response was to pull my children away from them (the homeschool moms group) instead because they were just so toxic.

  17. SO guilty of #1. However, I don’t typically say that to public school parents, but rather teachers I work with. I taught in the public school system for a number of years and still work as a substitute teacher on occasion. No matter how good the class/teacher/school there is always a number of things I see during a day that make me go “yup, this is why we homeschool.” However, I think homeschool parents need to remember that homeschooling is not for every family.

  18. My toes are just fine! No toes hurting here!

    I love this! You are spot on. We cannot very well expect to be respected in our decision if we are not willing to respect other’s decisions.

    I have been guilty of uttering those same words “that’s one reason I homeschool”, now reading this I will change my tune. My words will be turned into prayers for that family. I often do pray for those tragedies but follow it up with those judgmental words.

    Thanks for the eye-opening!

  19. Thank you for this! We homeschooled 14 years. Loved it, worked hard, etc. I get it 100%. But this needs to be said over and over again in as many ways possible. If we lose homeschool freedoms it will be because we made ourselves look ridiculous, because of our pride and arrogance.

    BTW my youngest 2 are in a public school and it’s GREAT 🙂 Love it. I feel embarrassed for my homeschool friends who use every opportunity to promote homeschooling as though there are no legitimate people or methods outside of it.

  20. I do use the, “That’s why we are going to homeschool” comment, but usually it’s when another parent is complaining about their child’s current situation. I’m amazed at how many people don’t even consider homeschooling, but will struggle through three hours of homework a night with their kid. To me it makes people aware of the fact that homeschooling is an option. People often see it as something for “those” kind of people, but not for their family. Plus, in our area the public schools are abysmal. New parents who move here often share how shocked they are at the poor schools.

  21. I agree. Great post. I have recently learned not to comment on someone else’s personal page on a post if I disagree with it, too. Instead, I just post something on my own wall that shows how I feel. I don’t even tag them in it. This way, I am stating my opinion, but not in front of the other person’s friends–just in front of MINE. If the other person sees it, great. At least it is on my wall and not hers, so that I did not try to hi-jack her page. This seems not to offend the other person or start an argument.

  22. So true and I have to admit sometimes I’ve said both. People are always saying that by me homeschooling my kids its bad for them because they don’t have a social life & I just explain why public isn’t the best option either.

  23. Thanks so much for that. As a school teacher who attends a chruch with a lot of homeschooling families, I get very tired of hearing people say comments similar to the ones mentioned above. After all, I have dedicated my life to working with children in this system and believe it does great things.

    It is important to respect every parent’s choice and the people who have dedicated their lives both to homeschooling or to the public school system.

  24. Amen, amen, amen! Thank you for this!

    Before I was homeschooling, I had a friend who homeschooled who would say things like this (not directly to me…but they would be on her facebook page) and they felt hurtful, though I don’t think she meant them that way. When I did decide to homeschool my youngest (my two oldest are in public school) her comments were NOT what sent me in that direction…that was the needs of my child (my older children had different needs). In fact, I approached the homeschooling community with caution because of those comment, since I still had kids in public school.

  25. Thank you, well put. Having had 3 kids in parochial and public schools, 1 child with special needs who the public school was the best place he could have been, and now 2 homeschooled kids, I’ve seen it all. Good schools, bad schools, good teachers, bad teachers, good systems… Some days our homeschool is better than others too! But all have worked for our family. It’s a work in progress. I actually hear the comment about I’d like to homeschool but… more often than I ever would have thought I would. The ones that bug me the most are, “but some people have to work”, or “if I had the money”. or “but I’m not patient enough”… Trust me, I’m not always patient, I don’t have that much money, and as far as working, for us it was a choice we made with our lifestyle (long before we decided to homeschool).

    1. Why would it bother you that some would like to join you in homeschooling but can’t? I’m a single mother, so there is no other lifestyle choice for me but to work outside of the home. Some people have serious issues, and even disorders, which makes being patient much more difficult than it is for the average person, and for them homeschooling would not be the right choice. You shouldn’t let these comments bother you. I’m sure there are a lot of earnest people out there who say these things because they wish that they could homeschool, but they can’t. Why not sympathize instead?

  26. Thank you from a public school parent! Sometimes its not that either side is actually being judged, but are sensitive to it and end up making straw-man remarks in their insecurities.

  27. We have 6 kids. The 2 oldest (girls) went through parochial school through 8th grade and public high school. Both graduated valedictorian of their class of roughly 250. Son #1 went to parochial school through 8th grade, then 2 years of public high school and 2 years of parochial school, he graduated by the grace of God and a couple of teachers. 😉 Son #2 is “high functioning on the autistic scale. He went to parochial school through 7th grade and started public in 8th. I tried homeschooling him for one semester, then we sent him back for my sanity and his safety (joking, but some days..) The public schools were perfect for him, he had some of the best resource teachers we ever could have asked for, even though the school is not known for being academically very good. Then along came our 2 youngest (5 yr. gap). Son #3 was a very quiet child who could read at 5 without specifically being taught. I homeschooled him for 2 years, then we moved so we thought we would give parochial school a try with him. He didn’t say a. single. word. all year long. Back to homschooling with him and he has been ever since. Now a 10th grader who is a talented piano/organ player. Son #4 was a bit emotionally immature, so we just homeschooled him as well. He didn’t read until he was 9, he now at almost 13 plans to be an electrician or possibly a technician when he is older. (and reads very well). Each of the boys had their own issues and I am so thankful that we had the opportunity to do what was best for each of them.

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